nancy hagg...

a few weeks ago, i received a letter from a friend that opened with this quote: 

"and when nancy hagg was there, she sat in the same sun, and combed her long hair, which was marvelous red-gold, and i hope she never cut it short for it gave glory to God."

-thomas merton

the letter was beautiful. i read the letter while driving and could hardly see the road because of the tears in my eyes. whatever it was in my life that was red-gold and marvelous, i had cut it short. forgotten. pushed it down and away. did that because it was so real and alive and pure and passionate that it definitely fluctuated between that place where "the hardest thing and the right thing are the same." there were days that it killed me, this burning deep inside. and rather than let the flames get out and be seen, i closed them up and just let them smoke somewhere inside. 

i got home from africa in march. it's a pretty big deal in my life. i feel as if everything in my life led up to that place and everything since goes back to that place where the sky is huge and the dirt is red. and somewhere along the way since then, i pushed it down and away because i can't figure out how to handle what i saw... what i felt... and what i learned. all the joy, the beauty, the death, the pain, the heartbreak, and the passion that i went through from september 29th to march 8th. 

and i tried to start this blog in may to keep it alive. but then i cut off the marvelous red-gold and stopped. 

so here we go again. i found a friend's blog this morning that said something about the sky is yours and it made we want to be alive once more... full of love and hope and joy and peace. this place, this sewanee, needs that just as much as any other place. because sometimes these huge old buildings can seem cold, dark, even if they are beautiful. and i know it scares people... this big place where we're all supposed to "find ourselves" and grow up. i see the girls walking around all straight-backed with eyes directly forward, dressed in their finest and cutest, scared shitless of what someone might think. the guys that goof off and run around crazy. in the midst of each other, we're all scared of being alone. and we all want to be full of that love, that hope, that joy, and that peace. 

maybe if we're all real to one another and let the smoke come out and the light of our blue sky come in, we'll find those things in each other and be inspired to fill this world of ours with love. 

for, as jon foreman sings, "for a seed to give birth to life, first it must die."

so nancy hagg... let's grow that hair back.